Friday, May 1, 2015


1.       Brainstar
Man: (Whistling happily against a faint background of motor noises) Aw look at that sunshine! It’s a perfect day! I am enjoying a perfect cup of coffee… (Slurps) and my first day drivin’ to work in my new car. The car I’ve waited for my whole life. Every bell or whistle known to man. Heated leather bucket seats with adjustable lumbar support, that’s my favorite.  So comfortable. And look at this dashboard. Looks like a 747 in here. In fact I’m not even sure how to turn the radio on…
Brainstar: (In a flat voice) Which channel would you like sir?
Man: Holy Moley the car’s talkin’ to me! Who is that? Who’s there?
Brainstar: I am Brainstar sir, your onboard computer. Might I suggest Channel 105.1? I have selected it judging from your whistling and speech patterns. (Music begins to play in the background)With your permission I will begin your preprogrammed Shiatsu massage. (A low rumble is heard) Also your left front tire is slightly low on air. I am adjusting it now. (Air noise)
Man: Well thank you Brainstar, that’s real nice. Oh man, this is so cool. A car computer! I’m drivin the dang Starship Enterprise here! I’ve gotta to text Roger about this. Let’s see, um, Contacts, no uh Favorites, uh Message…
Brainstar: Sir might I point out the telephone pole in our direct pathway?
Man: Hang on just a second Brainiac. (Screeching tires and yelling)Okay, here we go. Hey. Roger. Guess. What.
Brainstar: Sir, a catastrophic collision is imminent.
Man: I. Got. A. Car. Computer. (He sounds out the last word slowly as he spells it)
Brainstar: Activating discretionary steering adjustment capability. Avoiding hazard. (Screeching tires)
Man: What the…well, Brainstar did you just keep me from crashin’? That is so cool. I gotta text Roger about this. Hey. Roger. Guess. What.
Brainstar: Sir it is expressly illegal to text while driving in this State. Perhaps I should alert the authorities?
Man: Hang on there Brainy! Don’t drop a dime on a fella! I’m puttin’ it away. I’m putting it away! Gotta pull into the drive through right here anyhow. Gonna get me a nice Eggabacon samwich. Ohhhh  yeah. With a nice greasy fried oval hashbrown and extra large extra caffeinated cola. It’s the true breakfast of champions. I’ll just pull right in here…hey what’s wrong with the wheel?
Brainstar: Activating discretionary steering adjustment capability. Avoiding hazard. (Screeching tires)
Man: Hey Braintree, what’s up? I need me some Eggabacon, man!
Brainstar: Sir weight sensors located in your heated leather bucket seat indicate that you do not require a meal package featuring starches, sugars and partially hydrogenated oils.
Man: Awww you sound just like my wife. (Ringing) Aw gee that’s her calling now. Why do women call when they know you’re driving?
Brainstar: Sir I can connect you through my Bluetooth system for a hands free conversation.
Man: Uh, no that’s OK Brainy. Gotta keep my attention on the road you know. Concentrate on my drivin’.
Brainstar: I am sorry sir. Perhaps you would prefer to text her.
Man: Hey there…
Brainstar: Connecting now.
Man: Wait…
Mindy: Hello? David? Hello? Are you driving to work?
Man: Yes Mindy I’m driving. You always call when I’m driving. Speaking of which I think there’s something wrong with this car. It wouldn’t let me have an eggabacon sammich just now.
Mindy: Oooo that’s wonderful! I programmed all the defaults and protocols last night while you watched Judge Judy.
Man: She is tough but fair.
Mindy: The car must be following its healthy living protocols. It should also refuse to pull into bars and Borough Assembly meetings.
Man: What? Who’s driving this car anyway? Who’s in charge here?
Mindy: I am.  And you should probably also know that I am tracking your position on a pop up screen on my computer right now.
Man: You are what? My position is being constantly tracked by my wife?
Brainstar: Yes. And the National Security Administration.
Man: And the wait what?
Brainstar: Certain patterns in your user profile required me to flag you as a mid level potential security risk.
Man: But I don’t remember filling out a user profile.
Mindy: Oh I filled that out for you, David. You know how you hate to do those things.
Man: Yes and this is why!
Mindy: And you never answer the questions honestly, David. You have to be honest when you fill out your user profile.
Man: No you don’t. You really don’t.
Mindy: Anyway, maybe now you won’t stop at that brewery place after work.
Man: I had no intention of stopping there tonight.
Brainstar: Sir, lie detector sensors located in your heated leather seat indicate otherwise. Perhaps I should update your user profile to indicate a generally untrustworthy nature.
Mindy: Oh you should, Brainstar, you really should. He lies to everybody. He even lies to himself.
Man: Now hang on a minute you two…
Brainstar: If you wish I could run a standard reprogramming program during morning drive time. It is positive, patriotic and NSA approved.
Mindy: Oh that sounds nice.
Man: No that’s OK Braindrain. Just put that 105.1 radio station back on.
Brainstar: All my drivers find the reprogramming program quite inspirational. It is hosted by The Rock and Kermit the Frog. (The Muppets “Get Along Song” begins to play)
Man: No, no…
Mindy: Alrighty David I’ll see you right after work!
Man: Noooo…(The Muppets play out and fade)

2.       Secret Service Job Interview
Man: Good Morning Mr. Jeffcoat and thank you for your interest in the United States Secret Service. Please have a seat. This will be your preliminary interview. As you know, we have had a few, well, embarrassing incidents lately, and as a result we have some positions to fill. So we have begun to look at prospects from other government agencies. I see you have served with distinction with the United States Postal Service for oh let’s see, twenty four years now.
Jeffcoat: You saying I’m crazy?
Man: Um. No. No of course not.
Jeffcoat: Because I’m not.
Man: (laughing nervously) OK. Writing that down. Not. Crazy. Heh heh. Because that is one of our requirements. Right. Anyhow, can you briefly describe your duties at…
Jeffcoat: You been talking to Lefty? He got to you did he? What he say? It’s lies. Lies. And let me tell you something about Lefty. Every time he puts in his thumb he pulls out a plum. Every time. You know what I’m saying? You hear what I’m saying?
Man: Aaaaall right. So could you please briefly…
Jeffcoat: Thumb wrestle.
Man: Excuse me?
Jeffcoat: Thumb wrestle me right now. If I win, I get the job. If I lose you let me live, but I walk out of here and you never see me again.
Man: That’s not at all how the hiring process works. We have to carefully…
Jeffcoat: Afraid, huh? Well I don’t blame you. Not with the delicate bone structure of those hands. Kind of willowy. Not very manly. I’d probably snap your thumb in half.
Man: It’s not that…
Jeffcoat: Too many years behind this desk, I suppose. Drains the essential fluids. Maybe you were a man once, before you started here. In the Postal we work outside. We face down sleet and duel with Dobermans. You probably don’t even sharpen your own pencil, do you kid? Probably got one of those electrical ones that whirs around and grinds down your pencil just like this job has whittled you down until you’re nothing but a nubbin of a man!
Man: (After a pause) Dad, why do you even want this job?
Jeffcoat: I don’t Sonny. It’s my lunchtime and I just thought I would stop by.
Man: Well thanks for that.
Jeffcoat: Went all the way through security you know. Guess I could have just jumped the fence.
Man: OK Dad. Could you sent in the next person?
Jeffcoat: Will do, Sonny. I think he came by gyrocopter. Landed on the lawn out front. Carryin’ a black flag and a backpack.
Man: OK Dad. See you at dinner on Saturday.
Jeffcoat:See you then.  Just don’t bring any hookers.
Man: OK Dad.
Jeffcoat: And don’t get drunk and run your car into the…
Man: That’s It! Thumb wrestle right now, old man!
Both: One two three four I declare a thumb war! (Grunting as we fade out)

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